Changing the Future

Looking back on things is not as easy as some people pretend. Hind sight is not always 20-20.
I wonder had I known more before my trial and stint at the convent if it would have turned out any differently. The actual trial itself was pre-determined in its outcome, as Florin said it would be. However the time that I spent in complete confusion may have been a good thing. The most significant memory of the trial, now after three years, is the inflections that went with my last name. It was curious to me how everyone, even my counselor, said my full name with an ease and with an emotion I did not yet understand. Once I found out that a war had begun on earth after I was in space I felt like I was still in space. Apparently this war had become known as “The Elgin Wars” since it was basically terrorist activities much like those that killed my parents. The safety of everyone living in one place was not enough for the dedicated terrorists spreading salvation; it became common for the ‘acts of service’ to be damaging other countries or killing others. Now, I have forgiven Florin for not telling me this, I think I have at least. It seems like it is a daily struggle that I must bring to God in prayer.
If I had just an inkling of information on these wars I might remember different things about my trial. Things may have made more sense. However, I may have been clouded with the knowledge that my parents name was officially infamous but somehow my actual parents were not remembered badly. I learned many things in the trial about how people functioned in this society that I may have missed had I known of my last name. My time in space had not prepared me for the feeling of alone that I felt during my trial; people were all around, but they behaved as if I wasn’t there even though they were discussing me.
One thing that I do know I can see better from this side is that God was with me. There were many times in my cell with the papers scattered around me that I felt abandoned–by God and by Florin. But ultimately, they did what they had to do to help me and others. I don’t think that God is done with me yet, although I am impressed with what She has had me come through thus far. There is a feeling, which I did not identify until the very end of my stay at the convent, I have had since the computer asked me to return to earth. This feeling tells me that I have something important to do, but I can’t know what. As I look back on this journal and the time it covers, I know that the important thing I am to do has not yet occurred.
Florin could not attend my trial, but she did manage to send one simple note to me. From this I learned how important simple things are to people. When I think of that note and our time together I get the feeling that I will see her again and we will serve God together. For now, I am merely grateful that Mrs. Flamingkoh is sheltering me, giving me time to do the reflection I feel I need.
Re-reading my experiences of these last three years I am reminded of the passage from 1 Corinthians 10:1-13.
Friends, I want to remind you that all of our ancestors walked under the cloud and went through the sea. This was like being baptized and becoming followers of Moses. All of them also ate the same spiritual food and drank the same spiritual drink, which flowed from the spiritual rock that followed them. That rock was Christ. But most of them did not please God. So they died, and their bodies were scattered all over the desert.
What happened to them is a warning to keep us from wanting to do the same evil things. They worshiped idols, just as the Scriptures say, "The people sat down to eat and drink. Then they got up to dance around." So don't worship idols. Some of those people did shameful things, and in a single day about twenty-three thousand of them died. Don't do shameful things as they did. And don't try to test Christ, as some of them did and were later bitten by poisonous snakes. Don't even grumble, as some of them did and were killed by the destroying angel. These things happened to them as a warning to us. All this was written in the Scriptures to teach us who live in these last days. Even if you think you can stand up to temptation, be careful not to fall. You are tempted in the same way that everyone else is tempted. But God can be trusted not to let you be tempted too much, and he will show you how to escape from your temptations. (CEV)
I am reminded of this passage, not because I actually learned like I should have, but because I failed so miserably. God gave us all the perfect opportunity to learn from other people’s mistakes but we insist on repeating them. We claim that some cannot learn but by doing or that we learn better from our own mistakes. I cannot claim that I haven’t tried to use this excuse for my poor behavior. Paul clearly states here that we are to learn by reading or hearing of other people’s mistakes; we don’t need to repeat them.
I worshiped my sun catcher. I would sit alone in my cell at the convent and remember ‘Squilla as being a perfect place to live; I would dream of returning to her. There was precious little that was perfect about that existence, but I made myself believe it had been great. The food and water were sure and I could dance around. I was only lucky that God did not do to me as She did to the Israelites that died.
Then I tested Christ. When Loyal showed up, I deceived myself by claiming that God was showing me a sign. My requests of God were not, “Let me know what your will is God.” The requests followed more closely to the lines of, “Give me what I want and make it look justified, make it look like your will.” If only a snake had come out to bite me then. Instead I was allowed to wallow in my blindness. I intentionally sought the dark where I could bump into things and get hurt. God did show me how to escape from my temptations, but I didn’t want to see it.
“Even if you think you can stand up to temptation be careful not to fall.” How wise are those words. I read them during my trials and I still ignored them. If you read my journal entries from while I was on ‘Squilla you can see that I thought I had found myself up there. That this great inner strength of being comfortable with myself and liking myself would result in me being able to face anything once back on earth. How wrong I was. The sad thing is that I knew this while I was depending on myself, but I did not turn away for help. Or rather I turned to the wrong places. Loyal was of no help in this area; he was unreal in a bad way. Yet I persisted in talking with him as if he had answers for me. He was inflated by this respect I gave him which in turn made me perceive him as an even better authority. How silly could I be? The person who actually comforted me while I was on ‘Squilla was God, not my inner strength. Florin tried to tell me as much when I was forced to leave her, but I didn’t listen to her either.
Don’t be stupid. Learn from my mistakes without repeating them. Commit to memory that which has happened to others such as the Israelites so that you may recognize when trials come at you. Look for your escape route from God; it will be there for you to use, not just to taunt you with happiness.
Alas, even as I write this I realize that I grumble about my own experience. It doesn’t matter if what we have gone through or are going through is due to our own stupidity or because God must show that we don’t follow Her because of the good things (such as was done to Job); in all cases we aren’t to grumble. Grumbling doesn’t fix anything. If anything it makes things worse. So while I do think that my experiences were difficult and hard, I should not gripe about that. Instead I should be saying, “Glory to God!” for She has brought me to a more perfect state. She provides me with what I need for now and for things that will happen later. It is up to me to accept those gifts which she offers. I must also ask to be able to see those gifts, for my blindness is great.
Perhaps this time with Mrs. Flamingkoh is my opportunity to learn from myself and others before I venture into something else. I shall not squander it on doing something such as complaining about the past or the current situation. For those who may read my journal I ask two things: 1) do not lift me up as a good example, read to learn from my mistakes and 2) realize that this writing is the experiences of one and I do not know how much God would endorse.